If Only She Knew KEL NEAL
by LJ4Neal
Summary: KN! Neal left kel heartbroken and watching him sail away for the Yamani Islands. Now he's back at the palace and Kel must return from New Hope. She thinks that hes still with Yuki..But is he? What if the only part she knew was a very very small part?
1. Prologue Beginning of the Inevitable

Hi guys! Guess who's back? Back again? LJ is back, tell a friend! hahaha... I noe that I took a bit of a hiatus before, but now I'm back, alive and ficcing! So sorry for the long break... and even though I have my half yearlies on at the moment, I can't stop writing because... I dunno, I just like it! So enjoy my creative burst while it lasts my fellow readers... lol... nah, I'll be here for a while... and you know Reviews DEFINITELY get me going... heheh... well, I hope you enjoy... in case you haven't realised, I'm a diehard kel/neal fan... so KEL AND NEAL FOREVER!!! hahaha.. so basically all my current fics are about kel and neal getting together... but I assure you... this wun is going to get interesting... so enjoy!

**One of these Days  
I won't be afraid of staying with you  
I hope and I pray  
Waiting to find a way back to you?  
Cause that's where I'm home…  
  
Michelle Branch - One Of These Days**

Kel sat aimlessly at her desk at new hope, trying to finish forms for supplies. She was expected back at the palace by next month, yet she was dreading it with all her heart. Or what was left of it anyway. Don't get her wrong, she was fine with the palace, in fact, she even missed its luxuries, its elaborate training grounds and peaceful gardens. She even missed her friends that were there, the ones that she hadn't seen for so long. Yet at the same time, it was her friends that were keeping her away as well.  
  
She looked at the sums on the paper, frowning while she quickly calculated how much food they would need for the next quarter. Mathematics came easy for her, and she allowed her mind to drift back to the problem that had been occupying most of her mind for the past few weeks.  
  
As much as she would like to deny that there was a problem, to just stay at new hope or at the palace and pretend that there was nothing wrong, she knew that it was time to face it sooner or later. Sure she could ignore her own emotions for a while, but how long would it be before she'd break? A month? A year? A decade maybe?  
  
She could handle pain, and pressure. Heck she'd been stabbed in the gut by a grown male centaur and lived to tell the tale, alive and kicking. But this was new, something Kel hadn't experienced before. This was fear. Fear of being around Neal again. Fear of events repeating themselves. Fear of consequences of those events. And lastly fear of her heart shattering to pieces. Again.  
  
_Neal._ Just picturing his face in her mind, green eyes glowing like emeralds and floppy brown hair made her heart pang. This wasn't supposed to happen. She wasn't supposed to let her feelings for him destroy the next best thing that she could have with him. But it had. After all, wasn't the simple act of not wanting to see him already a sign of their tainted friendship? She had put off time and time again her return to the Palace, even though she knew she wasn't needed here. The war against King Maggur had ended and New Hope was now a village of some sort, where refugees lived harmoniously within its walls. She told everyone, including herself that she wanted to stay to make sure everything was okay.  
  
But deep down her subconscious new better. _You've been avoiding him all winter and you know it, _the little voice in her head kept on telling her, again and again. It was gnawing away at her, the pain at not being with him, the pain of knowing that even if she was with him he wouldn't want her.  
  
Kel sighed out loud. She knew that at this very moment there was a rider making his way to New Hope from the palace at this very moment with orders for her to return. She also new that she had no choice but to go and face the inevitable. Looking behind her at her window, she saw that it was almost dark already. _Mithros! I must have been daydreaming here for an age! _ She hurriedly filled in the last of the forms and signed her name, then pushed her chair back and stood up, determined not to waste her last few days at New Hope thinking about her lack of love life.

**Another day is going by  
I'm thinking about you all the time  
But you're out there  
And I'm here waiting  
  
And I wrote this letter in my head  
Because so many things were left unsaid  
But now your gone   
And I can't think straight  
  
Simple Plan - I'd Do Anything**

Neal paced around in the garden nervously. He couldn't think straight, everything in his head was spinning around and around in circles, his train of thought like a song set on repeat. He ran his hands through his hair, trying to think of something else to do with his hands, anything. Anything to make him stop thinking about one thing, over and over again. _Kel would be home soon._ Half of him was excited, elated at the news that he would see her again, while the other half was dreading it. What if he had hurt her so bad that she never wanted to talk to him again? What if she couldn't stand to look at his face again? If that had happened, he didn't know what he would do. Throwing himself in front of her and begging her to forgive his sorry ass came into mind though...

He wondered how she'd reacted to the news of him and his break-up with Yuki. He had sent Merric to tell her at New Hope, hoping that it would give her the hint that he liked her more than a friend. A question of whether or not she wanted them to be more than friends. He knew that she wanted it, he'd seen it on her face that fateful day. It had been a wake up call of some sort.

He remembered that day. The day that he and Yuki left for the Yamani Islands to live with her family there for awhile. Her uncle had fallen sick and needed Yuki to look after him, and being her husband-to-be, Neal had no choice but to follow her. He recalled the week before that, when he'd told Kel that he was going and wasn't going to be back for who knows how long. How her usually blank, emotionless face had contorted into a face looking like she was going through more pain than she ever knew she could feel. How she'd looked straight into his eyes and all he could see was something that he couldn't recognize at the time. Throughout that whole week she avoided him like the plague, and whenever he tried to get hold of her to ask her what was wrong it was either just an 'I'm fine' or 'Nothing is wrong'.

And then it came to the day. The day that he left. They'd plan on leaving early midday, and they had everything packed on the ship that was to take them to the Yamani Islands. He had stood there, waiting for Kel to turn up, to say good bye to him. He remember fiercely standing his ground, refusing to leave the docks until he said good bye to his best friend. He had to know that things were Ok between them, that they were still best friends. But sunset had come and there was no sign of Kel, forcing him to finally climb on board and let the ship set sail.

But then he heard her. Calling his name from the docks with tears streaming down her eyes, running down her face in tiny trickles. She'd called out to him, telling him not to go and then she looked at him like she did that other night. And that's when he realised. He finally recognized what was in her eyes when she'd looked at him: Heartbreak. It was like someone had flicked a switch in his head that gave him the answers to everything: Why Kel had avoided him after the engagement announcement, why she avoided him after he told her he was going, why she'd distanced herself so much from him since he'd started courting Yuki. It had been there, staring at him in the face all this time. Kel loved him.

The realization that had changed everything.


	2. Ch 1 Long Time No See

hElo! This is LJ4Neal here... again... and as I said, I'm on a writing high here... so even though I only posted the first chapter yesterday... I'm going to post the second chapter today... PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE review!!! Reviews give me the will power to write more and post more often... Except in the case of When Your Hearts Are At Stake (My other Kel/Neal fic that's by me only)... But i PROMISE that tha next chapter for that will be up very very very soon... OK? well.... here it is, the first proper chapter of 'If Only She Knew' (By the way, thats the title of this cool Michelle Branch song in case you wanted to know) =D... By the way, the whole idea of this is that you don't know what happened before... Since i hate Yuki, i've made it so that Neal never liked her because i don't see how you could when Kel is right there... lol... so yah, but you'll find out about the thing behind yuki laterwards... If people like this, i'm going to write a prequel to this fic from before he left for the Yamani Islands...

Well, TTFN luv you all! Lil Jay

Hmm... people have said this is too fluffy...... meh, the prologue is a bit I admitt.... but i promise it gets better! and theres still fluff, since i'm like the queen of fluff or summat, but not so full on... hahaha....

**I never will forget the look upon your face  
How you tore away and left without a trace  
But I understand that you did what you had to do  
And I thank You...**

**I know you had to go away  
I died just a little and I feel that now your  
The one I need  
I believe that I would cry just a little  
Just to have you back now, here with me  
  
Michelle Branch - Here With Me**

_Kel was hiding behind a tree, her eyes focused intently on the tall, devastatingly handsome young man standing on the edge of the pier. Behind him was a ship, its sails flapping in the wind, as if it couldn't wait for someone to untie the rope that was the only thing keeping it at bay. She looked at his face, grim and yet fierce, defiantly standing his ground and not getting on board, no doubt because his best friend still hadn't said good bye. A tear that had formed in her eye ran down her face, and she could feel her throat beginning to choke up from more tears left unshed._

_Why did he have to go? Why did he have to leave her here, heartbroken and cold? She felt as if the blood in her veins had stopped running the moment that he'd told her he was going, like she was about to shrivel up and die. She wanted to run out and say goodbye to him, tell him that she was sorry for avoiding him, tell him that she wasn't mad at him, she really did. In fact, she wanted to so much she had to cling to the tree she was behind, her nails digging into the coarse bark, just to stop herself from obeying what seemed like an invisible force pulling her towards him._

_She couldn't face him now, not like this. More tears spilled down her face, the first had set off a chain reaction. She saw Yuki approach the green-eyed figure, and tentatively tell him something, no doubt that it was getting dark and they had to leave. Neal glanced up at the sky, where the sun was setting and then looked at Yuki, finally giving way and turning around, altogether grudgingly, to climb onto the ship._

_Kel realized that this was the last time that she might see him for a very long time, and hastily scanned him, memorizing all of his features. She watched one of the sailors as they undid the rope that held the ship in place, letting the waves carry the ship away. She shut her eyes tightly, she couldn't bear seeing him leaving. But as she re-opened them and looked at Neal's woeful face as he stood on the deck, she felt the invisible force give a last defiant tug and somehow make her let go of the tree and run out onto the deck._

_"NEAL!" she screamed out, her voice hoarse from the tears. He hadn't heard her so she tried again. "NEAL!!!" she screamed even louder, her lungs feeling as if they were about to burst. It did the trick, as he registered her voice and ran to the rear deck of the boat and looked her in the eye. Tears continued to flow from her eyes. "DONT GO!" She yelled, the pleading in her voice so strong that she didn't even recognize it as her own. "PLEASE!" she shouted, a last effort to make him come back. But it was too late._

_"I'M SORRY KEL!" he replied, with only those three words to last her until the next time he saw her. Yet those words were filled with so much sorrow and emotion, it was as if he was saying so many different things at once. She sunk to the ground, by now her tears had run dry. Instead she watched him as he sailed right out of her life._

Kel rolled over in her bed asleep, but at the same time half awake. Her face hit a damp patch in her pillow, the icy coldness jolting her awake. She must have been crying in real life as well as in her dream. Scrunching her face up, she opened one eye a little bit to see how early it was in the day. _Nearly dawn, better do some glaive practice, _ She thought as she reluctantly sat up in bed and stretched out, her toned muscles evident through her night clothes. Lifting her blanket and getting out of bed, she quickly searched the room for a pair of clean breeches.

She strode across the room and pulled them on quickly, the cold, fresh air of the morning raising goose bumps on her skin. She was eager to start practicing, not only to warm her up, but also because she found that glaive practice made her feel more relaxed and let her sort out her thoughts. Reaching for the practice weapon, she began an easy pattern dance and gradually gained in speed, going so fast that she appeared to just be a moving blur. Her brows were furrowed in concentration, _left, right, swing up and around, half a crescent moon to the left, cut across..._

"Kel, there's-" Merric stopped talking abruptly, Kel's glaive halted in mid air just inches from his throat. Kel, alarmed at the sudden entrance, had stopped swinging the glaive just in time. If she had gone on any longer than a second, Merric would have been injured quite severely. She lowered her glaive and walked over to her weapon rack to put it back.  
"Hey Merric. What's gotten you to wake up so early?" Kel asked, since it was just about sunrise, while most of the New Hope residence (aside from herself of course) woke up at the first bell, which was at 7:00.  
"A courier from the palace came in just then. The rider has orders from the king for us to return to the palace for the final grand progress ball... Roald and Shinkokami are getting married in a fortnight," he said, before yawning loudly, bags evident under his eyes.  
"Well, I guess it was about time anyway..." Kel said, admitting defeat. She supposed it was about time anyway... she looked up at his face, only then realizing that Merric looked like he had gotten no sleep last night at all. She frowned, was something wrong?  
"Are you all right? You don't look like you've been sleeping well lately..." she asked. Inside she was feeling guilty as hell. She'd been so distracted lately, failing to notice if anything was up with her friends. What a good friend she was... not.  
"No... it's nothing... just can't wait to get back to the palace I guess" he said, refusing to meet her eyes. _There's something he's not telling me, _Kel thought. She didn't want to push it though. If Merric had something to tell her, he would in his own time.  
"Ok, If your sure. But if you ever need someone to talk to, remember that I'm here" Kel told him, to reassure him that he could talk to her. she stood up from the chair she was sitting in and went to her dresser, pulling open the first drawer that contained her clothes. Merric, who had begun to daydream while she had walked over to pack seemed to snap out of his daze and looked at her confused.  
"Uh, Kel? What are you doing?" He asked. Watching her, he saw her pull out a pile of breast bands in different colors, his cheeks blushing scarlet. His eyes widened but he quickly looked away.  
"I'm packing, silly. The sooner we pack our things, the sooner you can get your eager self back to the palace," She replied, briskly folding the rest of her underwear into little neat piles.  
"Oh, right. Yeah, I better start packing as well," Merric said, and as he got out of his seat and walked out the door, Kel tried to tell herself that she was only packing so quickly because **Merric** wanted to get back to the palace as soon as possible, and most certainly not **her**.

**Isn't this the best part of breaking up?  
Finding someone else you can't get enough of?  
Someone who wants to be with you to?  
  
It's an itch we know, we are gonna scratch  
It's an egg that's gonna take a while to hatch  
But wouldn't it be beautiful?  
  
Liz Phair - Why Can't I?**

Neal walked down the corridor, whistling happily to himself. He would see Kel soon, and although his friends might not be able to tell why exactly he was happy, they could tell that his mood had definitely improved over the last few days. Walking through the doors of the main hall, he joined the line where Seaver was already standing.

"Seaver, I see you still look as odd as the last time I saw you" Neal drawled. It was good to see his old friend after such a long time. Over 3 and a half years in fact.  
"And I see that the Yamani Islands haven't been able to keep your tongue in check either", he replied dryly. Despite the words, he wore a colossal grin on his face, and patted Neal on the back.  
"Well... I wasn't there for very long..." he said, suddenly slightly uncomfortable. Seaver had left to take a post on the Scanran border about 4 months before he left for Yaman. He had only heard that Neal was leaving through well-known information that Shinkokami and Roald had taken the progress to the Yamani Islands, and therefore had not heard about Neal's short-lived stay there.  
"What do you mean?" He asked, his ears perked up in curiosity. They collected their food and walked over to an empty table, placing their trays on the bench and sitting down, backs faced to the serving tables. He started eating, waiting expectantly for an answer.  
"See, some uhh... things... came up... issues that Yuki and me had to sort out... it kind of cut things short a bit..." He tried to trail off, pretend that the rest was self explanatory, but Seaver was just staring at him as if saying he wasn't budging till he knew the whole story. No such luck.  
"Basically the point is that we've-" Neal was cut short by Seaver beaming up at a large figure behind him, who was creating a massive shadow on the wall. No guesses as to who that person was.

"Cleon! How are you doing?" Seaver stood up to greet his giant friend. Neal stayed seated, smiling weakly, although his stomach was lurching inside. Why did Cleon have to come now? Of all the times...  
"I'm great! Just came back from handling things from Kennan, Adi's back there looking after the crops now. Can I sit here?" he asked, but not bothering to wait for a reply and sitting next to Merric, directly across from Neal.  
"So what's been going on lately? Been busy back at the fief, haven't been able to catch up much," he said, eating the pile of mash potato's on the plate in front of him.  
"Oh, Neal was just about to tell me about him and Yuki..." Seaver said casually. Neal glared at him, but Seaver remained oblivious.  
"Yeah... Uhh... we've broken up. Just needed a bit of time to ourselves really," Neal said, feebly coming up with some sort of plausible explanation. I mean, it's not like he could say something like 'I realized that the platonic best friend I was in love me but never thought would love me back, does in fact have feelings for me'. He saw Seaver and Cleon exchange glances, meaning that they obviously didn't believe him. _Oh well, tough luck. That's all your getting out of me. _He quickly stuffed the last of the vegetables onto his spoon in a little mountain and jammed them into his mouth, a habit he had developed over the years with Kel nagging him.  
"Well, I've got some things to attend to, so I'll catch up with you all later," Neal excused himself before they could ask him anymore questions, discarding his plate before walking towards his favourite garden where he always thought things through.

He sauntered through the hallway, deep in thought. The sight of Cleon had done many things to him, brought back old memories, past images that haunted him and loomed over him. Damn it! Why did he come back now? Just when he was getting excited of the prospect of Kel. Now he would have nothing but that image of Cleon and Kel, joined at the lips in a passionate embrace, right there in the front of his mind for the rest of the week. _Probably even longer, _he thought. _Mithros save me. _The very thing that had driven him into Yuki's arms in the first place. More than 5 years later and he still couldn't face Cleon without feeling the need to punch him in the gut.

Neal went down the last set of pebbled steps which led into his sanctuary and took a seat behind the hedges. Back to his thoughts. Cleon had known! He had known all too well that Neal had had feelings for Keladry of Mindelan. After all, hadn't he sat there time after time, listening to him go on about his feelings for her, his unrequited crush for her? And yet, he had made that move on her, had the guts to start courting her! Sure Kel and Cleon weren't together anymore, but the betrayal would always be there, would always hurt.

He heard rustling in the bushes and he looked around. Was someone here? He stood up, waiting for whoever it was to appear. Footsteps were getting louder, it was male because it was the sound of boots. But instead a girl with Hazelnut eyes and Chestnut brown hair rounded the corner and Neal felt all his internal organs shooting up to his throat.

"Why, hello Meat head. I thought I'd find you here".


	3. Ch 2 I hate you, But I love you

Please, i beg you all not to bludgeon me on the head with a massive slab of concrete! Sorri i've been gone so long... again! I've lost ALL of my notes on what was going to happen, and its been so long that i've totally forgotten... so please forgive me if its not so great, i had this realli good story line planned, but its all screwd over now, so yeh... i'm SO sorri! i'm just improvising from now on! Luv you All... LJ  
  
I Can't take it  
  
What am I waiting for  
  
My hearts still breaking  
  
I miss you even more  
  
And I can't fake it the way I could before  
  
I hate you, But I love you  
  
I can't stop thinking of you...  
  
It's true, I'm stuck on you  
  
Stacie Orrico - Stuck  
  
"Why, hello Meat head. I thought I'd find you here" Kel said casually. She was surprised at how calm and indifferent she sounded, when inside she could feel all her internal organs being ripped out and put back in in the wrong places. She swallowed hard, before walking over to sit on the bench in Neal's favorite courtyard garden sanctuary. Looking up at him, he still seemed to be opening and closing his mouth wordlessly, just staring at her with nothing to say.  
  
"Well then, I see the Yamani's really did cut your tongue off. Did your sarcasm get to the emperor?" Even though the words that were said just seemed like normal conversation, it had come out all wispy, her throat had by now constricted at the sight of him and cut off her air circulation. She blinked up at him. He hadn't changed one bit, his eyes were as green as ever, his hair was as restless as it was the last time she saw him and her fingers had started to itch to run through his messy hair again.  
  
"Kel... I... Uhh... erm... Its.. It's been so long..." He said, fumbling for something to say, anything. She saw him look her over, scanning her body to take in all her features, old and new. He stood still there, towering over her and staring at her, as if mesmerised by her eyes. Kel felt like cowering under that powerful gaze of his, yet at the same time felt like she was drowning in the depths of his emerald eyes, and all of a sudden remembered why she had fallen so hard for her best friend.  
  
"Yeah... I've missed you." she replied. If only he knew, Kel thought. Yet, even though she wanted so much for him to take her in his arms and kiss her, another part of her was angry at him, for leaving her all alone. Even though they were only a few metres apart, the distance between them felt like miles, with an unbreakable sheet of ice separating them. Neal looked away from her.  
  
"Oh, curse it", he muttered under his breath and then covered the gap between them easily in a few strides. He enveloped her in a hug, so tight that Kel thought she was suffocating for real, until he eased his grip on her until they were in a comfortable position. Kel rested her head in the curve of his neck, smiling dreamily. This is where she wanted to stay for the rest of her life.  
  
They stood there silently, there weren't enough words to express what they were feeling. Gently, he released her stepping back to look into her eyes. His face was only inches from him, and she could feel his breath on her forehead coming out heavy and rough. Obviously she wasn't the only one running high on emotions at the moment. Kel looked at his face, her eyes drawn to his lips automatically. She could feel every single muscle in her body aching to reach out and kiss him and drown herself in his warmth, in the safety that she always seemed to feel whenever she was in a 5 metre vicinity of him. But she knew she couldn't have him. It was only a matter of time till Yuki came to claim him as her own. No doubt she'd probably pregnant by now after all this time. Just the thought of Yuki being pregnant with Neal's child made Kel feel like someone has stabbed her heart with several daggers.  
  
She clenched her fists in an attempt to restrain herself from doing something stupid, and looked away. His eyes were still on hers and she could feel her face heating up as Neal's drifted closer and closer. His raised his hand and placed it on her cheek, lightly pushing it so that she had no choice but to face him. Kel could see the uncertainty in his eyes that was contemplating whether or not she still felt the same way as before, and as he leaned into kiss her, she could feel an electric current pass through their bodies, lighting up every nerve in her being.  
  
She could feel herself kissing back, her lips seeming to have a mind of its own. Kissing neal... it felt so right, so incredibly uplifting, like she'd been starved for her whole life until he kissed her. Deepening the kiss, she allowed herself a few more moments of heaven, but felt her brain begin to switch on again. How long had she waited for this moment? How many minutes had she spent thinking about kissing him, about touching him, about him just in general? Yet, something was wrong. Something flitted across her mind, a face. A face with almond eyes and dark raven-coloured hair. Yuki. What in the name of mithros...? she thought. What about Yuki? What about his WIFE?  
  
Gathering all the will power within her, she unlaced her fingers from his hair and rested them on his chest, giving in a hard shove. Neal staggered at the strength and the sudden movement and a confused look washed over his face. His hair was even messier than before, which was Kel's doing, and his face was all flushed. Even though Kel wanted to grab him and kiss him all over again, she did her best to use the small part of her that had always been angry at him. The part of her that had become so weak and powerless against the side that never wanted to let him go.  
  
"What the HELL do you think you are doing?" Kel said, her eyes flashing at him. She glared at him, the anger and pain at everything that he had done to her all rushing back, building up inside of her. She stepped further back from him, afraid that the other side that wanted him so much might come back.   
  
"What do you mean? I thought... I mean, you feel- What are you talking about?", Neal was clearly confused at her sudden burst of anger. He'd never seen her this angry at him in his life, except for when he'd told her about his departure from Tortall, and even then she'd just been cold and distant from him.  
  
"You... You kissing me, when you have Yuki. You have a WIFE Neal! How could you do this to her?!?!" Her tone had become increasingly shaky, and louder than before. More like, how could he do this to ME? she thought infuriatingly. What was wrong with him? How could he not know how she felt about him? How could he just kiss her and do something like that when they both knew that nothing could ever happen? That she had to spend the rest of her life thinking about him and wallowing in pain? Just when she thought she had become numb to his touch and had began to deal with the fact that she could never have him, he had to do something like this. Dangle something that she wanted so much in front of her and then just take it all away.  
  
"Kel, me and Yuki, we-" He began to explain, but Kel didn't want to hear it. It'd just hurt her even more.  
  
"You know what? I don't want to know," She burst out and rushed past him. She had to get away from him, now, before she changed her mind. What did he think of her? That she'd gladly become his mistress? You know that if you had no other choice, you probably would, a little voice inside her said. But Kel dismissed this thought. She couldn't do that. No, she wouldn't LET herself do that.  
  
Finally out of the gardens, her mind barely registered him calling after her as she sought sanctuary in her room, where she could nurse her even more broken, aching heart in peace. She bit her lip. What had she done?  
  
Have you ever been low?  
  
Have you ever had a friend that let you down so?  
  
When the truth came out  
  
Were you the last to know?  
  
Were you left out in the dark?  
  
Cause what you did was Low  
  
Kelly Clarkson - Low  
  
Neal was confused. Completely and totally confused. He didn't understand at all, Kel had been so angry at him. And the way that she had been talking- no, YELLING- at him... its like... well, its like she thought that he and Yuki were still together. That they were still married and just here because the grand progress had finished. Except thats not possible because Merric told her, he remembered telling Merric to tell her. He even wrote her a nice little message for him to give to her and everything. And Merric had definitely not told him that he'd not given it to her yet, so she must have gotten it.   
  
But then, if he HAD given it to her, then she would know and she wouldn't have yelled at him like that! He kept on pacing about in his sanctuary, he hadn't moved from there for fear of running into somebody that would want to make small talk with him. And he SO wasn't in the mood for small talk. Attempting to flatten his hair in order to give his hands something to do other than wring each other, he kept trying to put everything together. How could Kel not know about it? Or if she did, what if she didn't want him anymore? What if she'd decided that she'd had enough of letting him shatter her heart into millions of pieces and she'd moved on?  
  
Neal frowned, worry clouding his eyes. He didn't think that he could handle it if Kel wouldn't take him, he didn't think that he could handle it if he had to endure watching her in the arms of someone other then him again, like last time. Cleon had been pure torture, how would he be able to take Kel being with some other random stranger? But what else could he do if she didn't want him anymore? She had made it glass clear that she didn't want to be with him, that what he had done was wrong. And yet, he had been so sure that she had kissed back. He had felt it, felt the shivers running down his spine and that tingly feeling that he got only when he came in contact with Kel, and there was no way that only one person of the two of them could feel that way. Hadn't he seen the longing and desire in her eyes? All that pain and pent up emotion in her eyes that day he left, it couldn't have gone away so fast.  
  
ARGH! I'm going to go INSANE! He thought. What he needed to do was to find out exactly what happened, and Merric was the only person that could tell him that.  
  
Clenching his fists, he made up his mind to find Merric and bully the truth out of him right then and there, as he walked out of his sanctuary and into the main training courts. It was still midday, so Merric should be either training there to keep in shape for the upcoming tournament, or in his rooms. Glad that he was finally doing something other than just pacing nervously around in the garden, he walked purposefully towards his destination, this time actually taking the time to look around him, instead of walking around absently thinking about Kel, which he had been doing ever since he had gotten back.  
  
Walking past Kel's room, his heart felt a sharp pang for an instant as he thought about how much he wanted her and how much he wanted to just grab her and beg for her forgiveness for hurting her at all. Standing there hesitantly for a few seconds, he shook his head and set his mouth in a thin, determined line and continued heading to the practice courts. It was better to get the whole story before confronting her.  
  
He reached there and roughly scanned the courts for any sign of Merric, finding him practicing his staff skills with a soldier from the King's Own. Striding over, he watched Merric fight against the other soldier and recognized the combat pattern that they were practicing was coming to an end. Standing in front of the fence line that was near to them, he watched silently and waved in acknowledgement, even though he knew Merric was currently too occupied to wave back.  
  
Finally, they finished, and Neal waited patiently as Merric shook the other soldier's hand and waved farewell. Merric walked over, panting and out of breath with sweat dripping off his forehead. His face was the same as ever, and showed genuine delight at seeing his friend again, but Neal noticed that his eyes gave away his uneasiness. Neal decided to be direct and get a straight answer.  
  
"Come to see if someone can re-colour those old bruises of yours, eh Neal?" He said cheerfully, but Neal had known Merric long enough to be able to detect nervousness in his voice. Things were not looking good.  
  
"No, but the next time that I feel that black and blue is in, I'll make sure to find you," Neal replied sarcastically. Even though he was practically distraught at the whole Kel situation, he still managed to reply in that same old 'sarcastic-Neal-drawl' every time.  
  
"And it'll be an honor to oblige, of course. So, if that's not it, what's urgent enough for the infamous scholarly knight to get his behind out here?" Merric asked, although from the way he had shifted nervously about on his feet, it seemed like he already knew what Neal had come to drill him about.  
  
"Look, I wont try and beat around the bush here. Did you tell Kel about me and Yuki or not? Because from an earlier conversation, if you would even call it that, it seems that you haven't," He asked, now sure that something was definitely wrong.  
  
"Oh yeah, about that... I.. um... forgot to tell her. Or give her the letter..." his voice trailed off and he looked up at Neal hopefully, to see if he bought the story. He was so damn obvious that Neal felt like seriously rolling his eyes.  
  
"Merric, you never were a good liar, and you aren't one now. Tell me the truth" Neal commanded, he was getting nervous himself, not sure if he really wanted to know the truth. Merric sighed, and grimaced in resignation.  
  
"Fine, fine. I guess you deserve to know the truth anyway," He stopped and motioned for Neal to walk with him back to his room. Neal followed, slightly pouting at Merric's unsubtle stalling methods.  
  
"Well... I don't know if you know or not, but after you left, Kel wasn't the same again. She was constantly moping, she isolated herself in her room for more than a week, she wouldn't talk to anyone, except to either call for hot water or ask for food, and even then it was very rare. Just after I got back to New Hope with your message, I saw Kel and... she had picked herself a bit back up again. She was doing her normal duties like before, even though she did them with less enthusiasm and stopped talking to us anymore. And you could still see the heartache and the pain in her eyes whenever you looked at her, but she was so much better," Merric explained, pausing a little and looking at Neal and waiting for him to digest it. By now, all of Neal's happiness at finally doing something about the Kel situation had faded, and instead he was left with a dull aching all over. He had had no idea how much he had affected Kel, and the fact that he had hurt her so much that Kel- The Yamani Lump who survived through so many years of torture because she was a girl- couldn't even bring herself to do her duty to the people of New Hope, who meant all the world to her. Neal nodded at Merric to continue.  
  
"And I guess, when I saw her like that, just getting over you and going back to normal, I couldn't do it anymore. You might love her Neal, but I still acre for her. I didn't want to tell her because I didn't want to see her all depressed again," Merric finished. He stopped, they'd reached his rooms already. Searching through his pockets, he fished out a silver key and opened his door, walking in. He invited Neal and held the door open for him before closing it.  
  
"So then... she's completely over me now? She doesn't love me anymore?" Neal asked, not even bothered to hide the urgency in his voice. He needed to know.  
  
"Neal, she's loved you since you were both pages, anyone except you could have seen that from miles away. Of course she still has feelings for you," He said simply, as if that was the most obvious thing in the world. Neal couldn't help but give a shaky sigh of relief.  
  
"Thank you so much for telling me this Merric. You have no idea how much this means to me," Neal told him. Merric smiled up at him, evidently glad to have finally said something. Neal turned around and started for the door.  
  
"Oh, and Neal?" Merric said, and waited till Neal paused for a bit.  
  
"Yeah, what?" he asked. He could already feel his impatient side coming out, he was so eager to find Kel and explain.  
  
"Just promise me that you won't hurt her OK? That you wont say anything to her until you know for sure that you can be with her?" He asked. Neal felt a little anger at the suggestion. As if he'd intentionally try and hurt her!  
  
"Of course! Thanks again. Bye!" Neal replied. He walked to the door and let himself out after hearing Merric give a satisfied nod and a quick 'Bye'.  
  
Neal rounded the corner and walked in the direction of Kel's room. He couldn't wait to get the whole thing cleared up. except there was one little problem...  
  
How the hell was he going to explain without her slamming the door in his face first? 


	4. Ch 3 Confessions EDITED

**NEW AUTHOR NOTE FROM 3rd August: Hey guys! I was really really really bummed about how bad a chapter I'd written, so i decided to re-edit some parts and change a few things to it, even though i'd already posted it... so here is the re-edited wun... the first part is the same, just the second part has been altered slightly with Neal opening the door with magic. =D/ Please read and review! I haven't gotten many reviews for this chapter as the other ones. Thank you!**

Hmm, haven't gotten as many reviews as i've wanted to get... I know that i haven't really been updating constantly, but i assure you that this time I really really am back for GOOD... and as long as i keep getting reviews in my inbox, the more writing you guys all get to read!!!! Thank you SO much those that have reviewed, it's you guys that keep me doing this... and yeh, i'd just like to thank you ALL so much because you have no idea how much it means to me... =D... ANYWAYS, one day after the return of LJ4Neal, the NEXT CHAPTER is out!!!! wooHoo! PLEASE READ AND REVIEW!!!! I wont post the next chapter till i get at least 15 reviews... I have 44 right now, so when i'm at 53 you all get another chapter as soon as it gets there... sorri to be such a pain, but =D hEy! i girls gotta do what a girls gotta do... and it's not so much to ask is it?

luv yOu all, LJ! (oh, and btw, This is probably going to be a short chapter, one of those stupid in-between ones that we all hate to write...)

**Chapter 3**** - EDITED!!! Confessions**

**I'd be, out of line telling you, "Leave Her"**

**So I lie, lonely surround by you...**

**   
Michelle Branch – Hotel Paper**

Kel sat lazily the bathtub, unmoving and deep in thought. Her arms were draped lazily over the sides, her fingers just dipping in the water. She'd been sitting there ever since that kiss. That electrifying, life-changing kiss. She never thought that it would be possible to have a single memory that you wanted to forget so much it hurt, yet warmed up at the mere thought of it, wanting to hold on to that one moment for dear life. And here it was, Neal's face, floating into her mind again, for the millionth time. She felt herself groan inwardly. Why couldn't she stop thinking about him? Why couldn't she just wake up in bed to find that the last 10 years were all a dream and that she never liked Neal as more than a friend?

She lifted her fingers from the tub and inspected them with her eyes. They'd become all shriveled from being submerged in water for a prolonged period of time. So maybe her heart wasn't the only thing that felt like shriveling up at least. She closed her eyes, thinking of Neal yet again. She thought about what she would do when she saw Yuki again, how she would act, and especially what she would do if she was pregnant. She'd run off and join a convent most likely, preferably the one farthest away from Nealan of Queenscove and his wife, Yuki. She would live her life as a daughter of the goddess, soul-less, love-less and heart-less. Thinking about a life without Neal, she felt a tear slide down her cheek. She thought that she could handle herself after she'd managed to live life again after Neal had gone. But now that she knew her love wasn't unrequited, now that she had felt his lips on her own, now that she had felt his hands on her... she didn't think that she could handle living-

A pounding at the door interrupted her. From the way that it was loud and continuous, the person at the door had obviously been knocking for some time. Kel looked at the washroom door, thinking about whether or not she should answer. Deciding to let the person think that she wasn't there, she quickly splashed the now cold water from the bathtub on her for a quick rinsing and stood up, grabbing the nearest washcloth. It was green, the same colour as Neal's eyes, so emerald and- NO! She wasn't going to think about him again. At least for a minute. She dried herself off, and wrapped it around her body, tentatively stepping out of the tub and walking towards the door.

Entering the main room, she lightly walked over to the other side, where her wardrobe was located and took out a shirt and a freshly lalasa-sewn pair of breeches, not bothering with a breastband. She was probably just going to stay in her bed, lonely surrounded by the emptiness and longing anyway, since she didn't plan on getting out of the room anytime in the near future. Pulling them on, she continued to ignore the now even louder pounding at the door and walked towards her bed. Kel felt a sense of De Ja Vu as she climbed onto her bed. Last time, it had been a different place. She could still remember the way she had moped around in that so un-kel-like way and been depressed for days at a time, as she attempted to nurse the shattered pieces of her heart back together. This time didn't feel much different.

Suddenly, there was silence, and the loud noises coming from the other side of the door to her room desisted. Kel grimaced, the visitor had finally gotten the idea.

No such luck.

"Kel, open the door. It's me, Neal".

**No I can't forget this evening  
Or your face as you were leaving  
But I guess that's just the way the story goes  
You always smile but in your eyes your sorrow shows**

**Yes it shows  
  
No I can't forget tomorrow  
When I think of all my sorrow  
When I had you there, but then I let you go  
And now it's only fair that I should let you know  
What you should know  
  
Air Supply - Without You**

Neal waited patiently in front of Kel's room door. He wasn't sure what she was thinking at the moment, but there was no way he was budging until that door opened and Kel gave him a chance to explain. He knew she was in there, there was no way that someone like Kel would go to a place where other people might possibly encounter her, and pick up on her current vulnerability. He raised his fist again, and knocked on the door, this time tapping lightly.

"Kel. I know that you are there. I'm not moving until you open this door. Please, just hear me out," He said gently, the pleading in his voice so strong, he was practically grovelling. He hoped that she would listen to him, he NEEDED her to listen to him. Maybe before he could have told whether or not she would listen, but right now Kel was being so out of character and so unpredictable, it was hard to tell whether or not things were going to go in his favour.

"Please, let me come in! Let me explain!" He paused. Still nothing.

Neal sighed. Maybe he'd have to take a different approach...

He knelt on the ground and raised his hands in front of the keyhole. Furrowing his eyebrows, he concentrated on his magic, pulling a thread from his pool of magic and shoving it hard into the lock. He heard one part of the lock come undone and tried the knob, but it was still locked. Concentrating harder, this time he pulled a group of threads from his magic and thrust it into the hole. Green coloured magic flowed visibly from his hand into the hole and with a final push, blasted the lock. Smiling broadly, Neal got back on his feet and walked in.

Closing the door behind him, he looked around the room for Kel, spotting her instantly lying in a heap on top of her bed. Yet another anti-Kel action. Neal felt his heart squeeze, he was the one that had done this to her! All those years when she pulled her Yamani face and pretended to be unaffected by everything and stood her ground, and now him alone had managed to change her so much. He walked over to her, and sat on the edge of the bed, staring directly at a blank white spot on the wall.

"I want you to know that we aren't together anymore, Yuki and me. I... I didn't even stay in the Yamani Islands for very long," Neal said, simply. He continued staring at the wall, wringing his hands. There was nothing but silence, followed by sheets rustling. Kel emerged from under her blankets, shock and disbelief still evident in her eyes. He looked back at her and blushed. He couldn't help but notice that her breast band seemed to be absent. Tearing his eyes away from her chest (A/N: Don't even ASK why the hell I have ANY of that breastband-less business there), and gulping, he met her gaze and searched her face for any kind of clue as to what she was thinking.

Sitting there unmoving, they stared into each other's eyes, Neal waiting for her to compose herself, and Kel trying to decide which question she was going to ask first. Kel opened her mouth, and his eyes drifted towards it. They were so full and lush, and so sweet and tender. Why did they have to be like that? Taunting him, torturing him, paraded right in front of his face.

"What do you mean, 'You and Yuki aren't together anymore'? How is that possible? You'd... you'd just gotten married!" She said, the words coming out slowly and carefully at the beginning but giving way to confusion and disbelief towards the end. Neal bit his lip. He had known that this question would be coming, and yet he still had no idea how he was supposed to answer.  
"It's... so hard to explain. The truth is... I never really loved Yuki, not like I did you", He said. He gave her a shaky grin.   
"You know, I've always loved you. Ever since you were a page. There was this time once, when we were pages and I was so close, so close to kissing you. But you were so young, you couldn't possibly have felt the way I did. The stump would have kicked you out as soon as he found out.," He looked into her eyes, right now, he was baring his soul to her, and he was the most vulnerable right now than he'd ever been in his entire life. Kel gulped, but stayed silent, waiting for him to continue.  
"That was what mainly what kept me from going near you. The thought of you not being there anymore," he continued. Her eyes were so wide, and so intense, he felt like he was naked. He looked away, now focusing on the bed.  
"and then the fights about your virtue started. Mainly because of me. And why? Because every time I thought about you... you... doing something with someone else, picturing it in my mind... it drove me insane. I couldn't control myself. I knew that you would never do it, but the images still haunted me because I knew that I wanted to... to..." His voice trailed off, by now he was blushing so furiously he wanted to disappear right then and there. He glanced back in her direction. Not meeting her eyes. There was no emotion shown on her face, she was obviously pretending to be a stone again.  
"So... I shut up and pretending to like other palace beauties, the kind of people I SHOULD have been lusting after. If not to try and stop myself thinking about you, but so people wouldn't realise. Instead I poured my heart out to Cleon and wrote stupid poetry to you." Kel's eyebrows shot up at the mention of Cleon. Way up.  
"I was so close to telling you, when we were squires. That day when I told you that I got asked to be Alanna's squire... the look on your face made me feel like someone was ripping my heart out into little pieces, and the next time I saw you I made a resolution to tell you," Neal's heart was pounding so loudly, he couldn't even hear himself talking anymore. Just his heart pumping in his chest so hard, and his pulse racing.  
"but then-" he was interrupted.  
"Cleon got there first," Kel finished for him. Neal felt a surge of anger run through him at the mere mention of his name.  
"Yeah. And I don't know. I was so angry at him for doing that to me, for going behind my back. Every time I saw either of you I'd just remember seeing you two... together... and... ARGH! I thought I could get over it if there was someone else... and that's where Yuki came in."

"The way she handled her emotions... the way she acted and stood strong. It was the closest to you that I could possibly get. I was going to just let it be nothing but a relationship and a distraction from you... but this one time I saw you and Cleon... doing... stuff. It nearly killed me, it hurt so bad. That was the night I proposed to Yuki," He admitted shamefully. He decided that he'd finish off there.

"Look, I can only imagine what I've put you through, and everything that you've had to deal with Kel. And I'm so sorry, I really really am. If you think I don't deserve you, then I'll understand. But please, don't let it come between us. I don't think that I could get by without you by my side being there for me," Neal said, a finality in his voice, with a hint of pleading. It was practically ripping his whole heart out and shredding it into pieces to make the offer of just being friends. But if that was all that he could get, then he would find a way to bear it.

Neal looked into her face, searching it for any sign of what she was about to say. He could almost see her brain thinking everything through, and deciding which side of her would win out: the part that was angry at him or the part that he hoped still loved him. She sighed, and resigned to her feelings.

"Oh... How could I not forgive you Neal? I've never been able to stay angry at you long, and I guess this isn't an exception!" She said, smiling warmly at him. He felt like he was about to burst with happiness and grinned at her.

"What can I say? I can't help it if the entire female population has a soft spot for me!" he said, with a mock-smug look on his face. Her smile grew wider and she beamed at him. He looked into her eyes once more and leaned over to her, wrapping his arms around her and bringing his mouth to hers.

And this time, she didn't scream at him for it.

**ARGH!!!! i just read that and it is so0o0o0o incredibly CRAP!!! Will you all forgive me for writing such... Blergh-ness?!?!?! (sorry, that isn't a proper word but you get the idea)... I'm sorry if this is such a disappointing chapter!!!!!!!! Thankyou for all those that reviewed... no this isn't the end of the story, it's really more just the beginning... evil grin... laughs maniacally.. Was going to put it in earlier, like in this chapter, but then decided... hey! If i'm going to make them all hate me, i may aswell have a moment of being loved first... so hey! I just put in like a double dose of fluff for you all...**

**Thank you to all those who reviewed! I would write you all a nice little note, but it'd b pretty much all the same with me just going on and on about how much i luv you all and how grateful i am... and i think that we've established that already and you probably don't want to hear me drone on about it newai.. ahha... well, THANKS!!!! please review this, even if its just to tell me that it's sht... **

**ta ta!!!! LJ4Neal...**

**PS... chek out the new chapter of my joint fic with Rogue WIldmage, in our joint account, unco vs clueless... byA**


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